Sometimes I Really Hate Myself

Sometimes,.....Beo would love to kick his own ass.

I just feel like a big jerk, ballbag. I am blessed to have a lot of good things going in my life. I enjoy my job. I have a fiance. I have some nice possessions that actually own me, rather than me owning it. I have good friends. I now have wonderful parents since I moved out a couple of years ago. Sometimes I feel like it could never get any better than right now. Everything is grand, and I am going to school and getting good grades in college. I work out regularly and have my body in good enough shape, that I only have to work out once, twice weekly to keep it that way.

But then there is this sadistic, narcissistic, aggressive, and sarcastic a-hole inside of all that. I only stopped because I thought the sentence was getting long. I am so totally sweet and sour it's maddening. I can be loving, and caring of all creatures and things. The next minute, I can find myself caring of only myself. I'm running into a problem where I get overly frustrated with my fiance "A" absent mindedness. The poor girl just forgets what she was going to say or do sometimes, and it drives me crazy, so I wind up saying something sarcastic, or just walking away all together, and it hurts her feelings. Then I apologize and it happens again somewhere down the line. Just ridiculous, and I'm all out of apologies. It all stems from my upbringing. My Father instilled power of self and how to think quickly, and I was in sports most of the time as that teaches discipline as well. So, I expect everything to happen a certain way. Even when I know life doesn't work that way.

I want to wash it off. All my frustration, and all the bad things about me. It's not fair to anyone else. I want to see my Mother more often. I'm lucky to even have her still here on this Earth. I need to see my nieces and nephews more often. They are growing up so quick and I'm constantly thinking about how I'm missing everything.

So many things start to pile up that I just want to lay down where I stand and cry. It's so hard to be perfect, yet it's what I strive for. I'm realistic about it. I know I can't be perfect, but I try to get as close as possible.

Right now, I feel far from it. Painfully far from it. Laying on my back far from it. I just want, and I want everyone around me to be happy. If I could have that, I honestly wouldn't ask for anything else in the world. Just plain old happiness.