I've Died and Gone to Hell

When did it happen? Was it in the car on the ride into work?


Everything was so merry in the past. Life was simple and sweet, and everything worked magically in its own special way. People laughed and sang, and for the last four years New England brought home a championship to match each year. Three by the Patriots, and one by the Red Sox.

Now, I feel like things are changing. I've been seeing these strange creatures in open park areas, as well as in the shadows of bushes and trees. What are they, and why am I seeing them? Does anyone else see them? I'm to afraid to ask. With each event it becomes more and more clear to me that I must be dead, and I haven't been able to accept it yet.

Tell me what other answer could there be? George Bush appointed his personal lawyer Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court, the Patriots got a rare spanking last week, and the Red Sox are having their expectable collapse a year after winning the World Series. There can be only one answer my friends, a large amount of people have mentally sold their souls to Satan, and now he has taken us, yet we don't get our own respective lava spas. No, our hell is to sit and watch these horrendous things occur.

Now my eyes are open. I mean, Harriet Miers could work out great in the Supreme Court, but who the heck is she? She graduated from a community law school, never been a judge, was the first President of the Texas Bar Association. Finding out more as we go shall be fun, but the one thing that scares me is that she is George W's lawyer. How much more insidious can you get?

The Patriots lost a game.....I don't have to say anything more than that. The Patriots lost a game. Satan is involved.

The Red Sox are now back to being the Red Sox. I can't say I wasn't worried, but you'd like to think that things might have changed now. We were all made aware that things haven't changed last night when Bill Buckn...ah..Tony Graffanino let the ball go through his legs. Now the Red Sox have to beat the ChiSox a la Yankees fashion last year. "Hi Satan, thank you for those four years."

Then, to top it all off, they moved the scheduled programming of Lost to be shown after the Late News telecast on Channel 5 in the Boston area, because they had rights to telecast the Sox vs. Sox game. So, Lost was pushed back to start at 11:35 pm instead of 8 pm. I had to call Channel 5 to find this out. The recording that I reached at Channel 5 had a deep and scratchy voice. Almost demonic, as it told me that the scheduled Lost program would be played later than I can stay up during the work week. Wait, it gets worse. Not only was the game being show in HD on ESPN anyways, Channel 5 ABC was showing it with bars on the sides where the HD should fill. There was absolutely no reason for Channel 5 to show the game. I know it was Satan, I know it.

I am absolutely prepared to go home and find that my DVR recorded nothing but snow during the time slot that Lost was moved to. Will I be surprised? Absolutely not.

Tony, you can't do that in Boston!